(no subject)

Cannot complain about today. The weather was decent. I didn't smoke at all today until the kids went to bed. That is a huge feat in itself. Happy about that.
I got a ton of things done around the house. I even scrubbed the couch clean. I didn't like that part of the cleaning though. It's crazy to think of all the things you have done in the day, at the end of the day. I look around now though, after the kids are asleep and every one has calmed down for the night, and it looks like I sat on the couch eating Bon Bons all day. LOL. So goes life...

Cannot Win at even being the best LOSER

Let's see. I am 26 years old this month. I have managed to get myself dismissed from my local college for not completing my scheduled classes. Online school is seemingly too expensive. They tell me I basically HAVE to take out loans to pay for it, when at the local school grants were plenty enough to get by. I will never finish...

My kids hate me. All they can say about me is that I yell a lot and they think I hate them. I am just extremely overwhelmed with these guys and everything else that happens around here. It is always me who has to clear the packages from the yard bc the dogs decided to open the UPS boxes the guy set over the gate... I'm the cook, janitor, child care, transportation, among other things. I feel like killing myself today more than ever. I am typing this just to bide time for the feeling to pass. I feel like it won't though.

The guest house is probably where I will do it. No one will look there in time.
I assume pills are the least messy way.

This is it. I will no longer have a way to feed the kids. Welfare got hip to me fast. Seems like if you are honest, they slam the door in your face. And when you lie, you can get all the help in the world. I don't see the justice in it, whatever. I NEVER took cash assistance- only foodstamps- so save it. I don't regret it. And all my kids are by the same dad- which evidently is a bad thing? down there at welfare lol...

I should have known I would turn out like her. Sitting with nothing but kids lol. Ironic how everyone's words sneak up on you years later....
I have a van. Finally paid off. It's about to break down now too. When it rains it pours.

Social Security is where everything went wrong. I fought and fought to get it back after they kicked me off at 18. I am now 26- did I get backpay? NO- I got a bill for over 10,000 saying I owe social security lol. I win my case, but they still charge me? For their mistake?

I was counting on that money to start out fresh. I havent worked, X does it all. I have no marketable skills, no people skills, no drive to want it either. I am literally taking up space. Bout time to trim the fat....

my life's a joke. X runs everything. My family is leaving state. I'm fucked either way-

life's a bitch...then you know what.....



(no subject)

I re-enrolled at school. I figure if I don't get my butt in gear, I will be sitting here when I'm forty wondering why I don't have my shit together.

I've been dickin' around since '06. Yeah, pathetic I know.

My grandmother died. Went to her beautiful funeral yesterday. Followed that up with a visit to the doc. I guess she won't hear me out about my anxiety until my grief has subsided some. WTFever.

I'm about to tell this doctor to take a hike. Summer will be here soon and I won't need the pills. I always feel fine when the sun is shining.

Going to get the house cleaned as much as I can today. I should have an admissions counselor calling sometime. To work out all of the kinks in when my starting date is and all that.

be back later taters

Rest In Peace Granma <3

My Granma

Friday, March 25, 2011

1:10 - 1:15am

My granma passed away

I miss her

But I can't be selfish

She isn't tired anymore...

From what I understand, she requested her life support be shut down. Aparently they left her sedated and comfortable. She held on for a good four hours before she was too tired to stay any longer. I hope she is with my Grandpa. He has probably been waiting for what seems to be an eternity to see her again. She's happy now. She's happy now. She's happy now. She's happy now. She's happy now. That's what I keep telling myself.

Granma, if you can see me sitting here crying like a little bitch** yes yes, I'll watch my mouth ** just know that I love you and I will miss you always. You were the only glue left holding us all together. Thank you for all your wise words when I had no one to talk to. We had our moments, everyone does, but you are the person we all know we could always come home to no matter what, now I don't know where I'm going to go? I love you and I really hope there is something after here, because I think you deserve to be pain-free, walking and happy again. And back home with your mom and dad and grandpa :) <3 you
  • Current Mood
    sad sad
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"'Tis the twink of an eye, 'tis the draught of a breath,
From the blossom of health to the paleness of death,
From the gilded saloon to the bier and the shroud --
O why should the spirit of mortal be proud!"
    ~William Knox
Above is an excerpt from a poem I ran across today.
It fit exactly to what I feel right now. 

#my grandmother is being oulled from life-support tonight.
No, I don;t do that- She knows if I could, I would be there.
I love the woman to death.

Growing up I never accounted for my elders dying.
I always figured I 'd off myself before needing to worry
about any of that...

Guess it isn't case this time...

Love you Grandma p.s. leave my page blank in the black book till I get tlhere :)
and tell grandpa hi for me ):) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Compromise, Oh, You mean 'Do it your way'...

(Okay, now that I have disabled my laptop's touch pad- I think I can type out my post now)

+ I fucking hate when I hit my touch pad with my palm or something then all of a sudden I am typing some place else on my page and/or have navigated completely away from it! Bullshit.
+ So yesterday I was sitting around and thinking that since the kids are kind of so/so about school maybe homeschooling them next school year. Now, I know when people first hear this they think kids are not well socialized when they are home taught. I think if a parent balances social activites in addition to regular coursework they can be just as successful as any teacher in a public school district.
+ This is Siggy's problem. He doesn't think I can handle the kids all day every day. I mean, I understand the concern and all but how the hell will I ever know if I can do it or not if I don't try! I don't think the kids' educations should boil down to whether or not I have anxiety. The quality of education I see my children recieving is far more inferior than I could provide in conjunction with a charter home school program.
+ I taught my oldest daughter her kindergarten year. It went great. She is smarter than ever. Even her first grade teacher couldn't believe what she knew when she got to traditional school the following year.
+ Siggy basically said in not so many words that if I home taught the children that I would be a wreck and good for nothing after having such long days with all the kids. Therefore, he sat around trying to make me feel better after he pretty much called me worthless. I do not do shit around here. I have no job, no friends, I go nowhere. The only places I go are the grocery, the doc's with the kids, or to take the kids to school or pick them up. Every single thing I do is revolved around the kids. I have no extra shit to do. So is it wrong to want to do something productive like home teaching? I guess so.
+ After all that I went to bed. Probably was the earliest I have been there in a while. Of course, not long after he followed. Of course, wanted to know my problem. And I had nothing to say. I am done explaining my thoughts and feelings about things only to have them discarded as soon as I draw them. I know he isn't trying to be mean but fuck! There is no nice way of putting ,"No" to someone when you are supposed to be talking something out...NOT giving permission.
+ I believe the way I phrased it was, "What do you think about....?" Not, "Daddy, can I please?" ... Motherfucker.
+ I missed my nurse appointment on Monday. I missed that medication pick-up so I am sure my doctor will be just so happy to hear about that. She will probably be calling soon to find out why I haven't filled my prescription yet. She gave me yet another drug to try and make my fucked up life better. I am done with adding more sweet tarts to the ever-growing dossier of shit to do in the morning. I am really not too happy today. Obviously.
+ I do not like being told I can't do something... regardless if I can or not. Now when you say you don't think it will work out. I will go try now.
+ I just need better ways to express my feelings. I think I will just start keeping my mouth shut to every one. I will write here. Here I can write out my shit and read it later and see what a fucking lunatic I am.

On that note: today I feel like relationships suck. I hate compromise and I don't think he does it enough. My whole life has been nothing but compromise. Ugh, more like giving in.

Welp you win crybaby- I won't do it, but when all the kids are in school here in the next year, and I end up getting myself in some sort of shit while they are away- told you so...

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Writer's Block: Taking the good with the bad

What are your best and worst personality traits? Do you think your friends would agree?

I think that others can often tell more about yourself than you can. So as for accuracy, couldn't tell ya lol.

I listen really well I interrupt and talk a lot
I love with every thing I have I hate with every thing I have
I'm compassionate I'm judgmental
I hate intolerance I am inpatient
caring vengeful
Happy Gloomy outlooks

Table generator

I am so happy now lol. I just made my first html table! woohooo! ;)