a_jokester (a_jokester) wrote,

Cannot Win at even being the best LOSER

Let's see. I am 26 years old this month. I have managed to get myself dismissed from my local college for not completing my scheduled classes. Online school is seemingly too expensive. They tell me I basically HAVE to take out loans to pay for it, when at the local school grants were plenty enough to get by. I will never finish...

My kids hate me. All they can say about me is that I yell a lot and they think I hate them. I am just extremely overwhelmed with these guys and everything else that happens around here. It is always me who has to clear the packages from the yard bc the dogs decided to open the UPS boxes the guy set over the gate... I'm the cook, janitor, child care, transportation, among other things. I feel like killing myself today more than ever. I am typing this just to bide time for the feeling to pass. I feel like it won't though.

The guest house is probably where I will do it. No one will look there in time.
I assume pills are the least messy way.

This is it. I will no longer have a way to feed the kids. Welfare got hip to me fast. Seems like if you are honest, they slam the door in your face. And when you lie, you can get all the help in the world. I don't see the justice in it, whatever. I NEVER took cash assistance- only foodstamps- so save it. I don't regret it. And all my kids are by the same dad- which evidently is a bad thing? down there at welfare lol...

I should have known I would turn out like her. Sitting with nothing but kids lol. Ironic how everyone's words sneak up on you years later....
I have a van. Finally paid off. It's about to break down now too. When it rains it pours.

Social Security is where everything went wrong. I fought and fought to get it back after they kicked me off at 18. I am now 26- did I get backpay? NO- I got a bill for over 10,000 saying I owe social security lol. I win my case, but they still charge me? For their mistake?

I was counting on that money to start out fresh. I havent worked, X does it all. I have no marketable skills, no people skills, no drive to want it either. I am literally taking up space. Bout time to trim the fat....

my life's a joke. X runs everything. My family is leaving state. I'm fucked either way-

life's a bitch...then you know what.....



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